“I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!”

Snakes on a Plane

Quite possibly the most entertaining movie I’ve watched this year. Thank you and have a nice day.

Gosh darnit, I hate having to fulfil my OCD quirk of having to write more than 500 words. Truth be told, how does one write a lengthy review about a movie you know already right from the title that it’ll feature snakes, and you guessed it, on a plane. The story is terribly simple: boy witnesses a brutal murder, boy becomes witness, person who did it is atypical Asian baddie and wants boy dead, tough as nails FBI agent is assigned to escort him to testify, highly amorous snakes are let loose, the passengers wage war on the cold blooded reptiles, they land the friggin’ plane and then they all live happily ever after. There’s no formula, no plot twists whatsoever, it goes from A to B and yet you still keep on watching even though you know the ending already.

For the life of me I still don’t know why Samuel L. Jackson put pen on paper and star in this B-movie masquerading as an A-list movie. But I am thankful, oh yes, if it weren’t for his trademark acting this movie would be on the bottom of even the most stupid C-movie pile. The other actors are so stiff it was fun seeing them get bitten on the boob, stabbed in the eye by a three-inch heel, and generally dying horrible yet comical deaths. And what the hell is wrong with them snakes? We all know that pheromones make male animals go extremely gaga but biting people on the jugular with pinpoint precision is a bit much don’t you think. The snakes would kill each other first, and then seek the stupid humans who are slathered in the frisky inducing scent. And can you actually land a real plane without the proper education, notwithstanding the fact that you’ve played a simulation of it for countless hours?

What’s that? Oh right, I forgot, it’s a movie.

The negatives are so bad that it actually is positives if you look at it properly. The acting is about as natural as Tara Reid’s chest attributes, the special effects are pretty decent, the storyline was probably drummed up by a pimply boy with a giant poster of some female wrestler in a tight fitting handkerchief, and the dialogue loaded with banal one-liners that they actually worked. But that’s the genius of it; you’re so offended and insulted by the absurdity that your brain shuts down for awhile and lets your funny bone be tickled pink.

The moral of the story? Doesn’t exist. Maybe kids will start playing flight simulator games. I don’t know. For sheer entertainment value this movie gets full marks. It takes quite a lot for me to laugh at movie jokes but this managed to get me chuckling and on occasion spurt out my chocolate milk. Through my nose. Sure maybe I lost some of my intelligence but it was for the sake of being entertained for one and a half hours. If there’s one movie to make your hypertension go down a little then this is it.