“I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!”

Snakes on a Plane

Quite possibly the most entertaining movie I’ve watched this year. Thank you and have a nice day.

Gosh darnit, I hate having to fulfil my OCD quirk of having to write more than 500 words. Truth be told, how does one write a lengthy review about a movie you know already right from the title that it’ll feature snakes, and you guessed it, on a plane. The story is terribly simple: boy witnesses a brutal murder, boy becomes witness, person who did it is atypical Asian baddie and wants boy dead, tough as nails FBI agent is assigned to escort him to testify, highly amorous snakes are let loose, the passengers wage war on the cold blooded reptiles, they land the friggin’ plane and then they all live happily ever after. There’s no formula, no plot twists whatsoever, it goes from A to B and yet you still keep on watching even though you know the ending already.

For the life of me I still don’t know why Samuel L. Jackson put pen on paper and star in this B-movie masquerading as an A-list movie. But I am thankful, oh yes, if it weren’t for his trademark acting this movie would be on the bottom of even the most stupid C-movie pile. The other actors are so stiff it was fun seeing them get bitten on the boob, stabbed in the eye by a three-inch heel, and generally dying horrible yet comical deaths. And what the hell is wrong with them snakes? We all know that pheromones make male animals go extremely gaga but biting people on the jugular with pinpoint precision is a bit much don’t you think. The snakes would kill each other first, and then seek the stupid humans who are slathered in the frisky inducing scent. And can you actually land a real plane without the proper education, notwithstanding the fact that you’ve played a simulation of it for countless hours?

What’s that? Oh right, I forgot, it’s a movie.

The negatives are so bad that it actually is positives if you look at it properly. The acting is about as natural as Tara Reid’s chest attributes, the special effects are pretty decent, the storyline was probably drummed up by a pimply boy with a giant poster of some female wrestler in a tight fitting handkerchief, and the dialogue loaded with banal one-liners that they actually worked. But that’s the genius of it; you’re so offended and insulted by the absurdity that your brain shuts down for awhile and lets your funny bone be tickled pink.

The moral of the story? Doesn’t exist. Maybe kids will start playing flight simulator games. I don’t know. For sheer entertainment value this movie gets full marks. It takes quite a lot for me to laugh at movie jokes but this managed to get me chuckling and on occasion spurt out my chocolate milk. Through my nose. Sure maybe I lost some of my intelligence but it was for the sake of being entertained for one and a half hours. If there’s one movie to make your hypertension go down a little then this is it.

Iron Maiden – Dance of Death

I am not the world’s biggest Maiden fan. In fact, I can’t even consider myself a fan, not in the real sense of the word, anyway. You see, if you’re a fan of the band, then you’ll surely be in possession of most if not all of their albums. To be considered a fan you’d have to say that your favourite Maiden numbers are their classics: The Trooper, Killers, Phantom of the Opera and so on. Heck, you might even say that the classic Maiden line-up featuring Paul Dianno and whoever it was in the band at the time, is the best.

Not me.

Most metalheads would demand for my head for saying such blasphemous statements. Iron Maiden has some of the most fervent and loyal fans ever. After all, this is the band that helped shaped the music of heavy metal into what it is today. They’ve inspired countless bands and imitators. Some bands have come quite near though none seem into my mind currently so you’ll just have to accept my word for it. This is due to the fact that Maiden has a sound that whenever you hear even the first few chords, it is instantly and unmistakeably theirs.

So what is the Iron Maiden sound? It’s very simple: soaring vocals, beautiful arrangements, infectious melodies, sweeping solos and of course, the most annoying bass sound in heavy metal. All right, all right. Maybe not the most annoying but it certainly ranks high on the list. Put down that axe and hear me out first. I’ll try my best to justify my opinion. The bass in heavy metal is used primarily to boost the heaviness. It is also a part of the rhythm section together with the drums therefore mindless noodling on the bass is a big no-no when you’ve got the guitarist to do all the said noodling. I like it when everyone gets their instrument heard in the final mix. I go, “Ooo, there’s a double bass run,” and, “Ah, that’s a funky bassline there.” But when the bass is as annoying as Steve Harris’s then you’ve got a problem.

How do I describe the sound to someone who’s not heard it? Well, it’s sort of like garlic. I love garlic. I can eat a whole bulb provided it’s cooked right (raw garlic gives me gas). But when the garlic is overpowering the flavour of say, a lamb stew, then you’ve got yourself a dish that while is somewhat delicious, is also making you sick. It plods like a constipated elephant. It’s like a bridge that’s loose, held on only by duct tape. Steve Harris may be a good songwriter, at times subscribing to protraction and is slightly pompous, but by golly does he annoy me. On a good day, I may not be bothered by the obnoxious sound but that only happens rarely.

It’s a shame really because the material on this album is really good. I reiterate, I am not the world’s biggest fan of Maiden so if you find me gushing all over this then you can sod off. Where was I? Oh yes, the material. It opens with a somewhat catchy but forgettable track that is just a precursor to the first single, Rainmaker, a song with a silly video of silly men in silly costumes dancing in the, what else, rain. Montsegur is the “fast” ditty of the album, though it is marred only by sluggish drumming courtesy of bungalow-sized drumkit beater Nicko McBrain. McBrain is by no means a bad drummer, he’s good, knows when, what and where to hit the drums. It’s just that he’s slow. It’s the kind of slow that’s not too slow as to be almost plodding, but it’s slow enough to make you want to beat your fist on a freshly laid road. Paschendale is by far the most epic sounding Maiden song I’ve ever heard which would make any diehard fan feel faint and strangely murderous. It’s probably the only time I actually forgive Harris and his silly bass. The album then closes stronger than the start, which in many albums, is the way it should.

I may not be the world’s biggest Iron Maiden fan and frankly I couldn’t care less. I’d rather be the guy who likes this album very much.

Initial Rating: 7/10

Current Rating: 7/10