Heaven and Hell - The Devil You Know

Dear demons and fellow headbangers,

This is the best album of 2009, hands and claws down. Thank you very much.

Hmm, this wouldn't be a Whacker Inc approved blog post without at least a bit of explanation so read on.

Heaven and Hell (shall henceforth be known as H&H) is actually Black Sabbath and Dio. Only guitarist Tony Iommi and bassist Geezer Butler are from the original Black Sabbath band where they are joined by Vinnie Appice on drums and, of course, Dio on vocals. To avoid legal trouble and Ozzy Ozbourne from bitching to high hell, they had to use the H&H moniker. But we all know it's Black Sabbath, sound and all. These "four" lads have gotten together after nearly a 20-year hiatus and this is the result. While the greatest hits of the Dio featured 3 new songs, fans everywhere clamoured for a new studio album. With bated breath, every single metalhead worth his salt waited for this. And the wait is over and by golly does this freaking smoke!

While it's not immediately catchy, after repeated listens it becomes quite apparent that this is a monster of an album. It's a lot slower than expected, which is most the common opinion everyone makes upon first listen. As usual, Dio's sometimes peculiar and downright boggling lyrics can get quite distracting. Take this for example:

Taking till you've got no more to give
Building boxes where you used to live
The word out on the street is no delay
Do it today
Come to the meeting
It's true that we're eating the cannibals

Hmm. It's not something Enid Blyton would write that's for sure. But then again, if we wanted esoteric or soppy lyrics we'd be listening to dribble like Coldplay and its ilk, right? Tony Iommi is just plain marvelous. That guitar tone of his is perfect. Perfect, I tell you and compliments Dio's wails wonderfully. Who could forget Geezer Butler's basslines? Absolutely thunderous and probably one of the better bass performances of the year. Vinnie Appice is dependable on the kit as while he really does nothing special his style and accents flows well with the riffs.

There are only a few things in the world that makes me truly happy, and being a metalhead is one of them. So when there's quality metal such as this you'll probably see me smiling widely and have this rather senile-looking face.

This is Heaven and Hell.

Initial Rating: 9/10
Current Rating: 10/10

Candlemass - Death Magic Doom

I'm not supposed to like this but I do. I really, really do.

Fuck it. I REALLY LIKE THIS ALBUM!

A little lesson in metal is necessary before I begin. Candlemass is a band from Sweden with a singer from the States. They've a very rich history of playing some of the best doom metal for the past three decades. Frankly, I don't care much for doom metal. This subgenre's name itself makes me yawn uncontrollably. Funnily enough, I got into this band because one of their 'faster' songs (in doom metal faster means not dirge-like), Lucifer Rising, made me sit up. This is some good shit! The best doom metal I've heard thus far was the mighty Black Sabbath who inadvertently gave birth to this genre and even then they're not considered doom metal.

I really don't know why but right after the fifth time spinning this from start to finish it dawned upon me that this is not only a damn good doom metal album, it's also a damn good album! While the lyrics won't exactly uplift you (it's called doom metal, for crying out loud!) but the way it's sung will make you grasp an invisible microphone and start yelling into your palms. What can I say about the riffs other than they'll make you wince in delight and start headbanging rhythmically to its ominous and foreboding sound.

Leif Edling, who's the ringleader of the band, is felt more than heard. Don't get me wrong, he may be a damn good songwriter (wrote all the music and lyrics for this) but as a bassist, well, thankfully I can get my bass noodling fix from one John Myung of Dream Theater. Yankee Robert Lowe, while doesn't possess a deep baritone voice like the previous vocalist, Messiah Marcolin (awesome stage name!), still has the chops to pull off low- and high- register octaves. I can't find no fault with his performance. The only gripe I can think of is that Hammer of Doom and My Funeral Dreams whilst being incredible songs, sound rather alike especially the chorus. But that's just nitpicking. I'm so sorry, I knew I shouldn't have. Gosh, I feel bad now...

Damnit! If doom metal can sound this so fucking good, then I need more!

Initial Rating: 8/10
Current Rating: 9/10

Exmortus - In Hatred's Flame

I've heard it all. Well, almost. When most people say they listen to everything, that's mostly a lie. Who the hell listens to everything? I bet you that if you played them traditional pan flute music they would be the first to shoot you with a sawed-off shotgun.

But this is not about these people. It's about Exmortus's debut album, In Hatred's Flame. And it fucking smokes.

Before I continue, I've nearly 12 or so years (give or take the odd year or two when I listened to radio dribble) of listening to heavy music, in particular metal. You name it, I've listened to it all; from crazily brutal death metal, stupidly Satanic black metal to the most sorry-sounding doom metal, my ears have been abused and ripped to shreds by loud guitars, pounding drums and some of the silliest vocals one could ever experience. So when I say that Exmortus not only makes me a happy metalhead, they also make me a pained one. But most of all is that I've never heard of anything like this. Maybe I've been an ignoramus but this is some pretty cool shit. You see, these dudes have combined my long-time favourite genre of thrash metal with neoclassical metal. Yes, the kind of metal Yngwie "I'm faster than a goddamn bullet train on steroids" Malmsteen plays with insanely fast precision on a Fender.

Right from the get-go, these four crazy Hispanic Californians (forgive me if I've gotten it wrong) unleash 43 minutes of blistering thrash metal infused with classical pieces unto the general public. It really is something extraordinary when you hear Malmsteen-like solos in a blackened thrash metal sound. The title track opens precedings with a macho riff while the closing song, Fimbulwinter, sends us straight into the abyss with its ominous main one. It must be said that after awhile your ears and probably your sanity will be begging for this to end. The high-pitched squeals whenever the two guitarists rip-up a solo can be quite exhausting. I know I was, and I've listened to so much metal you'd think my ears would be accustomed to such things.

The past few years have seen a resurgence in the thrash metal scene, which, is a good thing considering the overall metal scene is still being swamped with many a pseudo metal band popping up like bad rejects of X Factor. Bands like Exmortus, Lazarus A.D. and Warbringer are paving the way for thrash metal to come back and reign once again like in the 80's.

Minus the mullets, of course.

Initial Rating: 7/10
Current Rating: 7/10

Metallica - Death Magnetic

Phew! It's been a long time, eh? Without further ado, I'm going to go straight on to the review:

Metallica's ninth studio album, Death Magnetic.

Oright, here's the deal: Death Magnetic (henceforth shall be known as DM) to the tremendously disappointing, nay, downright abomination that is St. Anger. While everyone knows that Load and Reload were basically James Hetfield's foray into blues and country wrapped in a masquerading as Hard Rock, but St.Anger was so way off the mark I thought this was it; the end of it all. The production was really horrible; it was as though Lars Ulrich was really hitting upside down metal trash cans while the guitars were so chuggy that upping the bass on the equaliser would have made my table shake violently. James's singing was truly bad; hoarse and oftentimes completely out of tune. And the less mention of the non-existent solos the better.

Simply put, St.Anger was a career-ending move. All hope was gone.

And now we come to this, last year's "comeback" album. Of course, it's not fair to say that this is a comeback album ala Take That or Gayzone, whoops, Boyzone, because the boys didn't go anywhere. Instead, they embarked on tour after tour, with the newest addition to the band, bassist Robert "Look, Ma! I'm a spider!" Trujillo.

The key thing here is patience. A whole 70 minutes worth of it. The songs are long, some a tad bit too long for its own good, like Cyanide and the meandering instrumental, Suicide & Redemption (I know it ain't no The Call of Ktulu II, but at least do something a bit more interesting instead of playing the same 3 riffs ad nauseam). Also, the production needs to be addressed. I have an okay/not okay relationship with it. On some days, I actually kind of like it. Sometimes the horrible clipping and the loudness (it is friggin' loud) reminds me of fingernails scratching a black board.

Surprisingly, Lars delivers--by his standards--a solid performance. I'm no drummer, but what's with the abandonment of the ride cymbal? Tsk, tsk. And there's double bass! Whoop-dee-doo!

Overall, I have to admit to this: I like the album. A lot. I thought I was going to hate it but the Metallica boys have managed to exceed all my expectations. Of course, there are some things I wish they would improve on; chiefly, the length of the songs. I'd much rather have short songs that are high on energy than have songs that are 6 to 7 minutes long that tend to meander at the middle. Hetfield needs to ditch the country tendencies as well. This ain't no steak-and-grill-kinda band!

Now where did I put that I CD?

Initial Rating: 7/10

Current Rating: 8.5/10

If I wanted vanity, I would’ve just gone to the makeup department

Ten weeks can be like this, meh?

I kena con liao!*

Yes, my dear readers (a grand total of zero), I was duped. I should’ve known better. The author’s a darn Singaporean, lah!

Okay, okay, settle down. It’s my fault, honestly. I should’ve at least gone through the damn book, from the first page all the way to the last, before purchasing it. But I didn’t, obviously. I just took a cursory glance and that was it, thinking that I got a good deal.

I hate being wrong and poorer-er.

This book shows you how to lose weight and build the perfect body in—yes, you guessed it—10 body torturing, mind screwing, butt hurting weeks. I think. Anyway, the author is a former wushu world champion and as such, is fitter than the trainers in my gym. Combined. Not too mention also that the dude’s vainer (got such word, meh? Spellcheck didn’t show its squiggly red line, so…) than a group of wannabe Chinese girls who think showing non-existent cleavage is a turn-on for us males. It’s existent cleavage that we want to see!

And now back to the review. Ah, yes, probably the most lacking aspect of this book would be the exercises one needs to perform in order to have the body of a Roman warrior with serious shorts. Sure, there are pictorials showing you what and how to do the exercises but the problem is that he doesn’t tell what it’s for. Like, for instance, the bench press. We all know what a bench press is but do we really know its true purpose? He doesn’t provide a breakdown on which exercise works which muscle. It’s a shame, really, since newbies to the world of keeping in shape and wearing tight tights won’t know shit.

This book is half autobiographical and half whatever. At the end of the book, the author goes about telling us why he did that, why he didn’t do that and why fried chicken scares him into unleashing 665 (one more and he’ll have an exorcism) push-ups after consuming a single chicken wing. The language used is straight to the point, no fancy words except the terms used to describe a silly stance. It’s definitely more of a showcase rather than an educational book.

For the casual dude whose idea of working out is to be on the treadmill for 25 minutes and lift 15 pounds, this book and its tips would prove to be immensely difficult—nay, fucking difficult. IMO, this book is for the more advanced gym rat. I’ve been working out for the last 3 months and I still struggle like a cow up a steep slope trying to execute some of the more advanced moves. Must be the tight tights…

I highly recommend getting this book from Kevin Zahri, Fitness 24/7. If you’re Asian and living in food heaven Malaysia (Singapore don’t count, muahaha!), this book is for you. The writing’s a lot better (barring a few grammatical and misspellings here and there), the pictures whilst not as clear with some of them being rather dark are more informative and for almost the same price, it is also a much, much better buy.

Now if you’ll excuse, I’m going to do some push-ups.

* I knea con liao = I got conned, big time!